DR. STRANGELOVE Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The BOMB CAST AT BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE General Jack D. Ripper.............Base Commander Major Mandrake.....................Executive Officer to General Ripper Colonel "Bat" Guano................Battalion Commander Private Charlie....................Base Security Team Private Tung.......................Base Security Team Sergeant...........................Base Security Team *** IN THE WAR ROOM Merkin Muffley.....................The President General "Buck" Schmuck.............Air Force Chief Admiral Percy Buldike..............Navy Chief General "Flash" Faceman............Army Chief Ambassador de Sade.................Enemy Ambassador Von Klutz ) ) Zlat ) ) Frankenstein ) ) Cadaverly ) ) Didley )................Presidential Aides ) Turgidson ) ) Crudley ) ) Waffel ) ) Moffo ) WAR ROOM (Continued) Kulnick ) )................Presidential Aides Funkel ) Assorted Military Aides - about 30 altogether M.P. Orderly Major Nonce........................General Schmuck's Aide *** IN THE B-90, "LEPER COLONY" Major "King" Kong................Pilot Captain "Ace" Angst..............Co-Pilot Lieutenant.......................Bombardier Lieutenant Quentin Quiffer.......Defense Systems Officer (D.S.O) Lieutenant "Binky" Ballmuff......Navigator Lieutenant Terry.................Radio-Radar *** OTHERS Colonel Puntrich.................Air Command Duty Officer Miss Milky Way...................A Secretary Miss Pietraszkiewicz.............Switchboard Operator GENERAL NOTES: 1. The story will be played for realistic comedy - which means the essentially truthful moods and attitudes will be portrayed accurately, with an occasional bizarre or super-realistic crescendo. The acting will never be so-called "comedy" acting. 2. The sets and technical details will be done realistic- ally and carefully. We will strive for the maximum atmosphere and sense of visual reality from the sets and locations. 3. The Flying sequences will especially be presented in as vivid a manner as possible. Exciting backgrounds and special effects will be obtained. 1 MAIN TITLE CARD - A WEIRD, HYDRA-HEADED, FURRY CREATURE SNARLS AT CAMERA ROLL-UP TITLE "NARDAC BLEFESCU PRESENTS" Dr. Strangelove: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the BOMB a MACRO - GALAXY - METEOR PICTURE 1a MOVING SHOT - THROUGH BLACK, STARRY, PERPETUAL NIGHT OF THE UNIVERSE The motion is straight ahead; passing at varying distances are stars, planets, asteroids, moons, aerolites and meteors. At great distances we see fantastic whirls of light indicating a vast nebula, or we see the incredible, dazzling billion-star clusters of another galaxy. MUSIC - WEIRD, EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL, ELECTRONIC SOUNDS NARRATOR The bizarre and often amusing pages which make up this odd story were dis- covered at the bottom of a deep crevice in the Great Northern Desert by members of our Earth Probe, Nimbus-II. NARRATOR Our story begins sometime during the latter half of Earth's so-called Twentieth Century. Simple nuclear weapons had been invented, but used only twice to finish the so-called Second World War. The Earth appears ahead of us, continually growing to reveal the shape of its continents and oceans. NARRATOR We deal with the period following this, which was chiefly marked by the fact that though every nation feared surprise attack, the full consequences of nuclear weapons seemed to escape all governments and their people. The Earth is quite close now, its circumference almost filling the screen. NARRATOR The quirkish author of this ancient comedy seems intentionally to have omitted the names of specific countries, possibly in the hope it would land a certain Universality to his theme. Geographic details fill the screen. CUT TO 2 DAY - AIR SHOTS - B-90 STING RAY BOMBERS Magnificent, swept-wing, eight-jet, Mach 2 aircraft. NARRATOR In order to guard against surprise attack, the nation in question kept seventy-five B-90 Sting Ray bombers air-borne, twenty- four hours a day. They were armed with a full load of nuclear weapons. 2a DAY - B-90's TAKING OFF NARRATOR As part of this air-borne alert, thirty-five B-90 Sting Ray bombers of the Air Command's 843rd Bomb Wing left the Burpelson Air Force Base, fourteen hours before. 3 B-90 STING RAYS - FLYING NARRATOR The aircraft were now dispersed from the Persian Gulf to the Arctic Ocean. They had only one geographical factor in common. They were all assigned targets inside enemy territory. 4 DAY - B-90 "LEPER COLONY" at 30,000 FEET NARRATOR One of the 843d's aircraft, the "Leper Colony," was approaching its Positive- Control point, Bear Island, a small dot in the Barents Sea, where it would turn around and head for home. 5 DOWN VIEW - STING RAY - FLYING SHOT NARRATOR Each Sting Ray carried a bomb load of fifty megatons, or fifty million tons of TNT, equal to fifteen times the total explosive force of World War Two, or twenty-five thousand times the explosive force of the Atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima. 6 REAR VIEW - STING RAY - FLYING SHOT NARRATOR The long, tense hours which always passed with such agonizing slowness during the twenty-four hours of an air-borne alert, now began to move quicker, as the mission passed its halfway mark. 7 FRONT VIEW - STING RAY - FLYING SHOT NARRATOR The crew of the "Leper Colony" knew they guarded the peace of the world just as surely as they knew the price they must pay within themselves to do it. 8 CU - MAJOR "KING" KONG - PILOT - INT. STING RAY He is a sharp-eyed, steady veteran flyer. CAMERA PULLS BACK showing MAJOR KONG, absorbed in a copy of "Plaything" magazine and absently munching a sandwich. We feature a photograph. PHOTOGRAPH - DOUBLE FOLD OF NUDE BLONDE Miss Milky Way, Plaything of the Month, a top government stenographer and part-time model. CAMERA PULLS BACK - CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST showing CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST, the co-pilot, reading another copy of "Plaything" and taking healthy bites out of an apple. He is a lean, bronzed, muscular type. The plane cruises on auto-pilot. 8a NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF - READS "PLAYTHING" A burly, hoarse-voiced man in his early thirties, he sips coffee and chews on his sandwich. 8b RADIO-RADAR- LIEUTENANT TERRY TOEJAM - READS "SUNSHINE AND LOVE" A tall, curly-haired, meticulous man in his late twenties, he nibbles a piece of cake. 8c BOMBARDIER - LIEUTENANT LOTHAR ZOGG - A NEGRO A short, bull-necked man in his early thirties, smoking and dunking a cake. He reads "Nitelife" magazine. 8d D.S.O. - LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER - READS "HI-JINKS" The Defense Systems Officer, LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER, a blond, pleasant mid-Westerner. He eats chocolate crackers from a box. 8e NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF He idly glances at his charts without putting down his copy of "Plaything" and snaps his intercom button. LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF Three minutes to turning point. Heading will be three-three-five. (back to "Plaything") 8f MS - PILOT - MAJOR "KING" KONG He glances up from his copy of "Plaything" and with the easy grace of a veteran pilot, leans forward and changes his gyro heading. MAJOR KONG Roger. Heading three-three-five. (back to "Plaything") 8g CU - RADARSCOPE There are a number of them. This one is the maximum search radar. The outer rim of the scope reveals a small point of light. At the same moment an electronic tone alarm directs the attention of the D.S.O. from his reading to the scope. 8h CU - D.S.O. LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER LOOKING UP FROM "HI-JINKS" He studies the scope calmly and frowns. 8i CU - RADARSCOPE The D.S.O. moves a strobe marker to the blip. 8j CU - D.S.O. Quickly figuring on pad. LIEUTENANT QUIFFER (routinely) Bogey at one-four-five, approximately a hundred and thirty-five miles. 8k CU - NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF Turning his copy of "Plaything" over so as not to lose his place, plots a position. We see that the radar contact is between the "Leper Colony" and the enemy coast. LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF Probably another radar surveillance job. 8l CU - PILOT Without looking up from his copy of "Plaything". MAJOR KONG (absently) Yes, that's probably what it is. 8m CLOSE RADARSCOPE The blip suddenly vanishes as the scope goes completely white. LIEUTENANT QUIFFER (calmly) He's showing off his ECM - jamming us out. MAJOR KONG (still absorbed in "Plaything") I wonder why he's doing that? LIEUTENANT QUIFFER I was thinking the same thing. Shall I give him a taste of ours? MAJOR KONG (still reading) Why should we do that, Quentin? LIEUTENANT QUIFFER (goes back to "Plaything") Yes, I suppose you're right, King. 8n CU - THE CRM - 114 This is the most highly guarded Air Command secret device. It is an automatic code receiver which displays three letters and three numerals. It suddenly whirrs and clicks into life, displaying three letters and three numerals. 8o CU - LIEUTENANT TERRY TOEJAM Looks up slowly from his magazine, leans forward and jots down the coded message. He carefully flips through a code book. LIEUTENANT TOEJAM Major Kong, we got a message from base. 8p CU - PILOT MAJOR KONG (still reading) Good. 8q MS - LIEUTENANT TOEJAM RAPIDLY DECODES THE MESSAGE LIEUTENANT TOEJAM I've decoded it, Major Kong. MAJOR KONG Good. LIEUTENANT TOEJAM It reads: Wing to hold at X-points. 8r CUTS TO CREW The magazines are lowered in slow motion. 8s CU - BOMBARDIER - LIEUTENANT LOTHAR ZOGG LIEUTENANT ZOGG (into intercom) I wonder why the're doing that. 8t CU - PILOT - MAJOR "KING" KONG MAJOR KONG (wisely) They have their reasons. 8u CU - NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF But we've been up fourteen hours. I'm beat. 8v CUTS TO CREW Who mumble ad-libs of agreement with the Navigator. Then slowly, each man goes back to his magazine and his lunch. 8w CU - LIEUTENANT LOTHAR ZOGG - READING LIEUTENANT ZOGG (sighing) Probably an exercise. LIEUTENANT TOEJAM (reading) Probably. MAJOR KONG (reading) They have their reasons. VARIOUS CUTS And now the six-man crew is still again, pondering the mysteries of beautiful women and calmly digesting their lunch. MAJOR KONG (wistfully to co-pilot) Ace, do you think she's really a top government secretary? He refers to the double fold-out of Miss Milky Way. CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST (cynically) Yeah, I'll bet she holds the world's horizontal short-hand record. SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: "BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE HEADQUARTERS 843rd BOMB WING" 9 NIGHT - EXT. MOONLIT VIEWS OF BASE - VARIOUS CUTS While the Wing is air-borne, the staff work is heavy, and the ground crews work overtime to refit aircraft. The runways are clear, and only the giant cicadas and the occasional whine of an electric tool break the stillness of the starry desert night. 10 INT. BASE COMBAT OPERATIONS CENTER It is sunken fifty feet below the administration building. Six officers man the command bridge. A loud buzzer. MAJOR MANDRAKE lifts special phone. MAJOR MANDRAKE Combat Operations Center, Major Mandrake speaking. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER This is General Ripper speaking. MAJOR MANDRAKE Yes, sir. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER Do you recognize my voice? MAJOR MANDRAKE Certainly, General. Why do you ask, sir? 11 INT. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER'S OFFICE Large, plush, part Air Force, part big executive - swank office decorations and furniture. A name-plate on his desk reads, "General Jack D. Ripper". GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER (sharply) Why do you think I ask? MAJOR MANDRAKE I don't know, sir. We just spoke a few minutes ago. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER (ruffled) Youddon't think I'd ask if you recognized my voice unless it was important, do you, Major? MAJOR MANDRAKE No, sir. The scene will intercut between MANDRAKE and RIPPER. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER Good. Has the Wing confirmed holding at X-points? MAJOR MANDRAKE Yes, sir. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER All right, Major. I'm putting the base on condition Red. MAJOR MANDRAKE Condition Red! GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER That's right. I want this flashed to all section immediately. MAJOR MANDRAKE Yes, sir. What's up, General Ripper? A significant pause. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER You're a good officer, Major Mandrake. You have a right to know. It looks like we're in a shooting war! MAJOR MANDRAKE A shooting war! GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER Yes, Major. This looks like it's going to be it. MAJOR MANDRAKE But...what kind of a shooting war? Have they hit any of our cities yet? GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER Major, that's all I've been told. Just got it on the red phone. The base is to be sealed tight. And I mean tight. MAJOR MANDRAKE Yes, sir. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER. That includes all communications and phones - incoming as well as outgoing. MAJOR MANDRAKE What if someone wants to call us? GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER Let me worry about that, Major. I've still got my red line to the Air Command. MAJOR MANDRAKE That's right, sir. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER We don't want to be vulnerable to saboteurs calling up and pretending to be different people from the President down, do we? MAJOR MANDRAKE You're right, sir. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER No calls from inside out. No calls from outside in are even answered. No calls. MAJOR MANDRAKE I understand, sir. Nothing comes or goes without your personal say-so. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER (harshly) No calls at all. With or without my say-so. My voice can be imitated too, Major. MAJOR MANDRAKE Yes, sir. I just thought of something, sir. How do I know I'm talking to you now? GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER Who do you think you're talking to? MAJOR MANDRAKE To you, sir. But how do I know? GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER Are you trying to be insubordinate? MAJOR MANDRAKE No, sir. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER I hope not. Now, as soon as you do what I told you, have Plan-R radioed to the Wing. MAJOR MANDRAKE Plan-R???? GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER Are you hard of hearing, Major? MAJOR MANDRAKE No, sir. Plan-R to be radioed to the Wing. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER As soon as you've done that, shut down the communications center. Lock it up and assign the personnel to base security details. MAJOR MANDRAKE General Ripper, if I shut down the communi- cations center, there'll be no radio or teleprinter contact with Air Command head- quarters or anyone, for that matter. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER Are you questioning my orders, Major? MAJOR MANDRAKE No, sir. I'm just bringing the facts to your attention, sir. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER You're a good officer, Major, and you're perfectly right to bring these facts to my attention. MAJOR MANDRAKE Thank you, sir. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER Now, as soon as you've done that, double- up on all base security teams. Our enemies are plenty smart, and there might even be an attack on the base by saboteurs. MAJOR MANDRAKE Yes, sir. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER And lastly, all privately owned radios are to be immediately impounded. They can be used to issue instructions to saboteurs. Air Police will have lists of all owners. 12 DAY - AIR SHOT - B-90 "LEPER COLONY" 13 DAY - INT. B-90 - VARIOUS CUTS The crew is still wistfully absorbed in their magazines. 13a CU - CRM-114 It whirrs to life again. Clicking off three letters and three numerals. 13b CU - LT. TOEJAM - RADIO He idly glances up at it. Sighs, reaches for his code book and starts decoding. He frowns. LT. TOEJAM Hey, King. Somebody at Burpelson has a very perverted sense of humor. MAJOR KONG (reading) Yeah? LT. TOEJAM I just got another blast on the CRM-114, and the damned thing decodes: Wing Attack, Plan-R. 13c CU - PILOT - MAJOR "KING" KONG He looks up pensively. MAJOR KONG Wing attack, Plan-R? 13d MASTER SHOT LT. TOEJAM Wing attack, Plan-R. That's exactly what it says. MAJOR KONG (lets magazine fall in lap) Check your code again. No one at base would pull a stunt like that, Terry. LT. TOEJAM That's what I'm doing, and it comes out the same. There is a pause as they think of the unthinkable. LT. "BINKY" BALLMUFF (standing) You must have made a mistake. LT. TOEJAM That's what it decodes. Come and see for yourself, Binky. Wing attack, Plan-R. The whole crew comes up and hunches over the CRM-114. The plane cruises on auto-pilot. LT. LOTHAR ZOGG (softly) Well, I'll be damned. LT. TOEJAM (holding out code book to pilot) Here, check it yourself. 13e CU - MAJOR KONG His cheek muscles twitch under his bronzed face. He is the picture of leadership. He turns away from the men for a moment, stares thoughtfully into space, then turns back determinedly. MAJOR KONG (with quiet dignity) Then this is it. LT. QUIFFER What? MAJOR KONG (solemnly) War. LT. QUIFFER (awe-struck) War? CAPTAIN ANGST (nodding gravely) Yes, that must be what it is. LT. BALLMUFF (aghast) War? LT. ZOGG (stunned) What else could it be? LT. QUIFFER Maybe it's an exercise. LT. BALLMUFF Yeah, to see if we're on our toes. MAJOR KONG (wisely) No, they wouldn't send us in with bombs on an exercise. LT. QUIFFER Maybe they want to test our loyalty. CAPTAIN ANGST But we got the Go-code. It's never been given to anyone before. MAJOR KONG (scowling) No, this looks like the real thing. LT. TOEJAM (philosophically) Yeah, it sure looks like the real thing, all right. They all soberly reflect on the wider implications of the news. The BOMBARDIER cracks his knuckles. LT. ZOGG (shaking his head) It's going to be rough on the folks back home. LT. BALLMUFF Yeah - real rough. They all shake their heads in melancholy agreement. LT. TOEJAM I wonder how it started? CAPTAIN ANGST Yes, how could it have started? THE D.S.O. shatter the calm dignity of the crew by raising his voice. LT. QUIFFER The bastards must have hit us! LT. BALLMUFF Yeah - but why would they do that, Quentin? LT. QUIFFER How do I know? But they must have. We wouldn't have started it. LT. ZOGG He's right. We wouldn't have started it. LT. QUIFFER (beginning to shout) They must have clobbered some of our cities already! LT. ZOGG He's right. They must have clobbered some of our cities already. LT. QUIFFER The dirty, stinking, rotten, sons of B's!! They might have clobbered Marge and the LT. QUIFFER (cont) kids already! 13f CU - MAJOR KONG He studies LT. QUIFFER with a jaundiced look. MAJOR KONG (John Wayne) Okay, cut it, Lieutenant Quiffer! If you speak once more before I give you per- mission, you'll face a general court martial when we get back. (looks around) And that goes for everyone else. He pauses for effect. 13g CU - D.S.O. LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER looks down sheepishly. 13h CU - MAJOR KONG MAJOR KONG (John Wayne) Boys, we've got a mission to carry out. It's not exactly a pleasant one, but our country's counting on us, and we're not going to let 'em down. 13i FULL SHOT - THE CREW LT. QUIFFER I'm sorry, Major Kong. I guess I was way out of line. MAJOR KONG (extending his hand) Forget it, Quentin. It can happen to the best of us. Now let's get squared away. With various ad libs of agreement, the crew scramble back to their action stations. 13j VARIOUS SHOTS - CREW LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF opens a small safe and searches out a thick 8 x 10 sealed envelope marked "Plan-R", from among a dozen others. He shoots an inquiring look to the pilot and gets a nod. He breaks open the seal and distributes individual folders to each of the crew. MAJOR KONG Give me a first rough course as soon as you can, Lieutenant Ballmuff. LT. BALLMUFF Roughly, one-zero-five. I'll have it plotted in a minute, Major Kong. 13k MS - MAJOR KONG He adjusts the gyro, banks the big plane, and opens his folder. MAJOR KONG (reading from his folder) Okay. Check these points. Complete radio silence. To ensure that the enemy can't plant false transmissions and fake orders, the CRM-114 is to be switched into all receiver circuits. The three code letters of the period are to be set on the alphabet dials of the CRM-114, which will in turn block any transmissions other than those preceded by the code letters. You got it? LT. TOEJAM Roger, I'm setting up the CRM-114. MAJOR KONG Primary target the ICBM base at Laputa. One weapon fused for air burst at ten thou- sand. Second weapon to be used if first malfunctions. Otherwise the secondary gets it - the airfield outside of Karnak. Fused air burst at ten thousand. LT. BALLMUFF I've got the heading, Major. One-three-eight. MAJOR KONG Roger. One-three-eight. While he talks, other CUTS to the crew prepraring for battle. MAJOR KONG In about twenty minutes we start losing height to keep under coastal radar. Cross in over the coast low-level, continue low- level on zig-zag legs to primary, and climb for bomb run. (pause) Any questions? LT. ZOGG I've got one. MAJOR KONG Shoot, Lothar. LT. ZOGG Our targets are a missile complex and an airfield - not cities, right? MAJOR KONG That's what I said. LT. ZOGG Well, if there's a war, they must have hit us first. MAJOR KONG What's your point, Lothar? LT. ZOGG Well, if they hit us first, they've probably fired off their missiles and got their planes off the ground already. We'll just be hitting empty real estate. MAJOR KONG Are you saying our order don't make sense? LT. ZOGG Hellnno, Major. I was just trying to think the thing through. MAJOR "KING" KONG Lothar, you're down in the pay books as a bombardier, and you're a damned good bombardier. In fact, you're the best damned bombardier in 843rd Wing. 14 15 15a COLONEL PUNTRICH He sits at a table a phone. Six other officers are around him. COLONEL PUNTRICH Hello? This is Colonel Puntrich of Air Command Headquarters. Please connect me with General "Buck" Schmuck. 16 NIGHT - EXT. MODERN HOTEL DISSOLVE 17 SWITCHBOARD IN HOTEL The night GIRL is reading a paperback murder mystery. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR I'm sorry, sir. General Schmuck is asleep and he isn't taking calls until eight-thirty. COLONEL PUNTRICH What is your name, young lady? SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR Ceida Pietraszkiewicz. COLONEL PUNTRICH What did you say? SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR Ceida Pietraszkiewicz...P...I...E... T...R...A...S...Z...K...I...E...W... I...C...Z. COLONEL PUNTRICH (he pronounces it perfectly) Now look here, Miss Pietraszkiewicz, this is Air Command Headquarters calling. DISSOLVE 18 OMITTED 19 NIGHT - INT. HOTEL ROOM - GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK Phone rings. He wakes slowly, coughing from too many cigarettes. He snaps on the bed lamp and picks up the phone. The night table contains tissues, nose drops, and a glass of water. There is a pretty blonde asleep in the next bed, Miss Milky Way, Plaything of the Month! GENERAL SCHMUCK (angrily) Yes! COLONEL PUNTRICH General Schmuck? GENERAL SCHMUCK Yes! Who the hell is this? Miss MILKY WAY, about nineteen, appears from under the blankets of the adjoining twin bed. She yawns and stretches, revealing her astonishing body. She is indeed the same girl we saw featured in the "Plaything" fold-out-inside the B-90. COLONEL PUNTRICH This is Colonel Puntrich, sir. Duty officer at Air Command. I'm sorry to disturb you, sir. MILKY WAY (yawning) Who is it, Buck, honey? GENERAL SCHMUCK (covering mouthpiece) Go back to sleep, baby. COLONEL PUNTRICH What did you say, sir? She smiles, crosses over next to the General, and begins playing with his ear. He shrugs her off, playfully. GENERAL SCHMUCK I didn't say anything. What's the meaning of disturbing me at this hour, Colonel? COLONEL PUNTRICH General Schmuck, we monitored a trans- mission about six minutes ago from Burpelson Air Force Base, HQ 843rd Wing. It was apparently directed to their Wing on air- borne alert. It decoded as - Wing attack, Plan-R. She begins kissing his neck. GENERAL SCHMUCK Colonel, you're not drunk, are you, man? COLONEL PUNTRICH No, sir. GENERAL SCHMUCK Then why bother me with this nonsense? Get in touch with the base commander. She pulls him flat on the bed. COLONEL PUNTRICH We tried to contact General Jack D. Ripper at the base, but all their communications are dead, sir. She sprawls on top of him. GENERAL SCHMUCK Well, that's ridiculous. If the teleprinter and radio links are out of order, just pick up a phone and pay for a call. COLONEL PUNTRICH I know it sounds crazy, sir, but we tried, and nobody answers any of the telephones. GENERAL SCHMUCK sits up. GENERAL SCHMUCK Does the threat board show anything? COLONEL PUNTRICH Well, that's the funny part of it, too, sir. It doesn't show a damned thing. 20 NIGHT - EXT. LONG SHOT - BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE Buttoning-up activity continues as the men listen to the GENERAL's broadcast echoing on a public address system. GENERAL RIPPER (public address system) I want to impress on you the need for watchfulness. A commie will try any trick to breach the security on this base. 21 PERIMETER FENCE - 10-MAN SECURITY DETAIL Digging in a machine gun about ten yards outside fence. The riflemen are spread out at 5-year intervals and are digging foxholes. GENERAL RIPPER (p.a.) He may come individually, or he may come in strength. He may come in the uniform of our own troops. 22 ANOTHER AREA - PERIMETER FENCE - 8-MEN SECURITY DETAIL They set up another light-machine gun. A squad of riflemen dig in too. GENERAL RIPPER (p.a.) Trust no one, whatever his rank, who is not known to you personally. 23 AIR POLICE - INT. HANGAR Collecting radios. GENERAL RIPPER (p.a.) Anyone or anything that approaches within two hundred yards of the perimeter is to be fired upon - without challenge. 24 INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTER - MAJOR MANDRAKE The last of the staff are leaving. GENERAL RIPPER (p.a.) There are to be no exceptions to these orders. Last of all, I want to say I know all of you are worrying about your families here on the base and all over the country. 25 INT. GENERAL RIPPER'S OFFICE GENERAL RIPPER Well, you can be sure other men are defending your families elsewhere with the same unyielding spirit we're going to show here at Burpelson. Good luck to you all. RIPPER flicks the mike button and sinks wearily back into his chair. He lights a cigarette and inhales with satisfaction. 26 INT. COMMUNICATIONS SECTION - MAJOR MANDRAKE Snaps off his desk lamp and walks down the long, deserted room, double-clicking various power switches. He picks up a small transistor radio and idly snaps it on. A pop song ends and a disc jockey begins his commercial. 26a CLOSE - MAJOR MANDRAKE He tunes in a few other stations. All programs are normal. MANDRAKE frowns, thinks for a moment, and suddenly dashes out of the room. 27 NIGHT - EXT. IMPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT BUILDING Key personnel begin to arrive in cars which screech to stop. 28 NIGHT - INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING HALL - VARIOUS SHOTS Officers hurrying to their tasks. M.P.'S guard re- stricted areas. 29 INT. WAR ROOM - (SEE PHOTO) 30 INT. WAR ROOM COMMAND BRIDGE A very large conference room. One wall is an enormous soundproof glass panel opening onto the various electronic displays in the War Room. Enter, PRESIENT MERKIN MUFFLEY, in a fury. Rising around a very large, polished wood conference table are the Chiefs of Staff, Army, Navy, and Air Force, as well as various military and civilian senior aides - about twenty altogether. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY (seething) Good morning, gentlemen. Please sit down. They sit. There are readable nameplates in front of each officer. GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK Good morning, Mister President. The PRESIDENT scowls. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY Now, what the hell's going on? Four-Star Air Force General, "BUCK" SCHMUCK, stands and assumes his maximum dignity. GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK Well, Mister President. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY What kind of trouble? GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK Well, sir, about forty-six minutes ago one of my base commanders, General Jack D. Ripper, sent out attack orders to the thirty-four B-90's of the 843rd Bomb Wing, under his command. Note: 1. The name Schmuck appears on page 1431 of the 1961-62 Manhattan Telephone Directory. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY General Schmuck? GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK Yes, sir. He issued attack orders to -- A paroxysm of rage seizes the President, MERKIN MUFFLEY, as he pounds his fist on the table, knocking over his nameplate. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY May I be stupid enough to inquire WHY IN HELL THE BASE COMMANDER OF THE 843d BOMB WING DID A THING LIKE THAT ??? GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK To be perfectly honest, Mister President, we really aren't sure. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY You aren't sure! GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK Not exactly, sir. You see, Colonel Puntrich at Air Command HQ received a call from him about twenty minutes ago. He asked General Ripper if he had issued the Go-code and the attack order, and General Ripper said: (he reads from a piece of paper) "Sure, the orders came from me. They're on their way in, and I advise you to get the rest of Air Command in after them. My boys will give you the best kind of start, and you sure as hell won't stop them now." Then he hung up. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY Damn it! Damn it! I've been telling you all for years you've got too damned many psychoes in the service. GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK Be fair, Mister President. Didn't we initiate the Human Reliability tests for all personnel handling nuclear weapons? PRESIDENT MUFFLEY Buck, when I told you to give them right up to the top, you said we couldn't insult a general officer by asking him to pass a test to see if he's a psycho. GENERAL SCHMUCK It was a honest mistake, sir. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY I presume the planes are armed? GENERAL SCHMUCK I'm afraid so, Mister Presient. Being part of the air-borne alert, each plane is carrying a full load - about fifty megatons apiece. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY Well, what about the Positive Control, the safety catch? Don't the planes automatically come back unless they get a second order? GENERAL SCHMUCK That's right, sir. But the planes were at their Positive Control points, ready to turn around when General Ripper issued the final Go-code. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY And I suppose there's some reason why you haven't recalled them? GENERAL SCHMUCK Yes, sir. The base commander, General Ripper, selected Plan-R? PRESIDENT MUFFLEY What the hell is Plan-R? GENERAL SCHMUCK Well, sir, Plan-R is an emergency plan to be used by lower echelon commanders if higher echelons have been knocked out by a sneak attack. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY Why can't you cancel it? GENERAL SCHMUCK Once the orders have been given, Plan-R requires any new orders to be received on the CRM-114 in the aircraft. But the CRM-114 will not receive any transmissions unless they are preceded by the proper three-letter code group. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY And I suppose you're going to tell me you don't know what the three-letter code is. GENERAL SCHMUCK Mister President, to guard against espionage, the three letter of the code group for Plan-R are always selected by the lower echelon commander himself, just before each mission. They are sealed in the various attack plans and are known only to the lower echelon commander and his deputy. In this case the deputy is air-borne with the Wing, and General Ripper refuses to recall the planes. The PRESIDENT shakes his head, wrathfully. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY How soon until the enemy finds out what's going on? GENERAL SCHMUCK We estimate the planes should be entering their coastal radar cover in about twenty-five min- utes. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY How could you let this happen, General Schmuck? GENERAL SCHMUCK Mister President, I know you think I've let you down, but we had to have a Plan-R. If we completely centralized the command and control, all a potential aggressor would have to worry about was knock- ing out maybe half a dozen headquarters and the Capitol, and we'd be out of business. We'd have planes and missiles just sitting there while we were getting clobbered. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY Then there's no chance for recall? GENERAL SCHMUCK I should say practically none, though we have our communications center plowing through every possible three-letter combination. The trouble is that there are about seventeen thousand permutations, and it will take us approximately four and a half days to go through them all. There is a knock at the door. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY Yes, what is it? M.P. CAPTAIN Excuse me, sir. But the mess orderlies are outside with the breakfasts everyone ordered. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY (waspishly) Captain, do you think the mess orderlies would mind waiting a few minutes until we have finished our little meeting? M.P. CAPTAIN (confused) No, sir...I mean, yes, sir. I'm sure they wouldn't. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY (shouts) Thank you, Captain. Now shut the damned door! He shuts the door. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY (Cont) I want to talk to the base commander, what's his name? GENERAL SCHMUCK General Jack D. Ripper, sir. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY I want to talk to General Ripper. GENERAL SCHMUCK But we can't communicate with the base. The PRESIDENT leans back and thinks for a moment. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY General Faceman, are there any troops stationed near the base who are not under General Ripper's command? All eyes go to GENERAL "FLASH" FACEMAN, the Army Chief. GENERAL "FLASH" FACEMAN I believe so, Mister President. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY (in burning sarcasm) Is it possible for you to know definitely, General? GENERAL "FLASH" FACEMAN Yes, sir. I can confirm it, but I believe there's a Special Services outfit stationed just on the other side of town, about seven miles away. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY General Faceman, I want you to get on the phone yourself and speak to the officer in charge -- GENERAL FACEMAN Yes, sir. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY (rapid fire) Please don't say "yes, sir" until I've finished speaking. Tell him to get himself and his men moving immediately. I don't even want them to waste time dressing. Just have them carry their weapons and ammunition, and move 'em out by any available means of transportation. If they don't have enough vehicles, commandeer cars off the highway. I want them there within fifteen minutes. And if he can't get them all there, get as many as he can. I want them to enter the base, locate General Ripper, and immediately put him in telephone contact with me. You understand, don't you, General? GENERAL FACEMAN (starts out of room) Yes, sir. One thing, Mister President. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY Yes? GENERAL FACEMAN Under a condition red alert, the base will probably be sealed off and defended by the base security troops. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY I am aware of what a condition red alert implies. GENERAL FACEMAN Well, sir, they may not allow the Special Service troops to enter the base. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY (sarcastically) That's a very wise deduction, General. GENERAL FACEMAN Thank you, sir. But what shall I tell them to do if they are denied entrance? The PRESIDENT rocks in his chair looking as if he were about to explode. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY Under the circumstances, General, what would you think they should do? GENERAL FACEMAN Well...I suppose penetrate the base by force. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY You see, you knew the answer all the time, General. GENERAL FACEMAN But that would mean some of our own boys will get hurt, Mister President. PRESIDENT MUFFLEY What do you suppose is going to happen if General Ripper's planes start bombing their targets? GENERAL FACEMAN That certainly would be a problem, sir. CADAVERLY Mister President, how do you feel about Civil Defense? PRESIDENT MUFFLEY Civil Defense...Hm-mmm...We don't want to cause an unnecessary panic. CADAVERLY Shall we allow the situation to mature a bit, sir? PRESIDENT MUFFLEY Yes, I think that's the wisest policy for the moment. 31 EXT. FLYING SHOT - B-90 STING RAY Tilting down toward the sea. 32 INT. B-90 LT. BALLMUFF (navigator) Make rate of descent fifteen hundred per minute. That should slide us in nicely under their radar cover. MAJOR KONG adjusts trim, throttling back slightly to maintain correct speed. We see the rate of descent indicator steady at 1500, speed steady at Mach one-three on the Machmeter. MAJOR KONG Steady at fifteen hundred per minute. Speed steady at Mach one-three. The navigator, LT. BALLMUFF, glances at his Ground Position Indicator, on which certain of the pilot's instruments are duplicated. LT. BALLMUFF Roger, maintain. MAJOR KONG Lothar, take your checks now. LT. ZOGG Okay, Major. LT. ZOGG, the Negro bombardier, is sitting in the midst of his equipment, which comprises several radioscopes and a battery of buttons and switch gear, as well as several banked rows of lights. He goes through the checks quickly, at ease wit the familiar equipment and a familiar task. LT. ZOGG Main search radar all green. Set for maximum range, maximum sweep. Again CUT between the pilot and bombardier, as bombardier calls each piece of equipment in turn, and pilot checks them on his list. LT. ZOGG Both electronic detectors set to swing from stud A through H. We see, on the bulky electronic detector, a small rotor arm moving rapidly through the sequence of stud settings, and flicking back to start again. MAJOR KONG A through H is correct. LT. QUIFFER (D.S.O.) Main interference linked to electronic detector. Fight interference on readi- ness state. MAJOR KONG Check. LT. QUIFFER Missile and plane flight path computer showing four greens. We see the four lights winking on an off in rotation on the computer. MAJOR KONG Check. LT. QUIFFER Zombies set to knock out local air defense four hundred miles from primary. LT. ZOGG Target approach radar tuning is right. All approach transparencies are checked, one through twenty-five. We see bombardier take one of the transparencies, slide it over approach radarscope. MAJOR KONG Check target approach. LT. ZOGG Bomb doors circuit is green, bomb release circuit is green, bomb fusing circuit is green. MAJOR KONG Check, all bomb circuits green. Okay, Lothar. LT. ZOGG When do you want to arm the bomb for the primary, Major? MAJOR KONG As soon as I've checked over the route. About five minutes. All right? LT. BALLMUFF In thirty seconds count-down clock should read eight-three minutes, King. 32a COUNT-DOWN CLOCK Pilot's hand sets clock to "83" 33 DAWN - LS - BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE All the security details are in position, and everything is covered by a peaceful hush. 34 CU - GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER POINTING A 45 AUTOMATIC - INT. HIS OFFICE He gestures with the gun in a weirdly amiable way. GENERAL RIPPER Sit down, Major Mandrake. 34a MASTER SHOT MAJOR MANDRAKE closes the door behind him and sits. MAJOR MANDRAKE (smiling nervously) What's the gun for, General Ripper? GENERAL RIPPER Please don't take any notice of this weapon, Major. I love all weapons, and as of late, I've just taken to keeping a loaded weapon nearby at all times. MAJOR MANDRAKE (laughs shakily) Sort of like a new hobby, huh, General? GENERAL RIPPER That's right, Major. MAJOR MANDRAKE still holds the little transistor radio which softly plays a rock and roll tune. He smiles, idiotically. GENERAL RIPPER (softly) I see you're playing your radio, Major. Isn't that contrary to my instructions for the personnel of this base? MAJOR MANDRAKE Oh, it's not my radio, sir. I picked it up in the communications center. GENERAL RIPPER I didn't mean for anyone to play anyone else's radio either, Major. MAJOR MANDRAKE Yes, sir. General, can I ask a question? GENERAL RIPPER Certainly, Major Mandrake. You're a good officer, and you can ask me a question any time you want to. MAJOR MANDRAKE Well, General Ripper, sir -- I was thinking -- we're on a condition red, aren't we? GENERAL RIPPER That is correct, Major. MAJOR MANDRAKE And a condition red means enemy attack in progress, doesn't it? GENERAL RIPPER You know the regulations well, Major. MAJOR MANDRAKE Well, sir, I was thinking, if an enemy attack is in progress, how come the radio's still playing music? It's supposed to go off, and all we should hear are Civil Defense broadcasts. GENERAL RIPPER That's a good question, Major. Maybe if you think hard, you can think of the answer yourself. MAJOR MANDRAKE (timidly) Well, I was thinking, maybe an enemy attack is not in progress? GENERAL RIPPER And if that were true? MAJOR MANDRAKE wrinkles his forehead apprehensively. MAJOR MANDRAKE (cautiously) But then, sir, why have you issued the order: Wing attack, Plan-R? GENERAL RIPPER Because I thought it proper, Major. Why else would you think I'd do it? 34b CU - MAJOR MANDRAKE - AS THE FULL TRUTH SINKS IN MAJOR MANDRAKE You mean you are...starting...the War, sir? 34c MASTER SHOT GENERAL RIPPER Suppose that were the case? MAJOR MANDRAKE (awe-struck) But -- why...that would be an awful thing to do, sir. GENERAL RIPPER Perhaps, Major. Perhaps. Pour me a scotch and soda, please. And help yourself to whatever you like. MAJOR MANDRAKE rises unsteadily and goes to the built-in wall bar. GENERAL RIPPER Don't fret about it, Major. There's nothing anyone can do about it now. I'm the only one who knows the three-letter code group for the CRM-114. MAJOR MANDRAKE I know that, sir. GENERAL RIPPER We've come a long way since World War II, Major. And the lessons we've learned are all in Plan-R. MANDRAKE's hands tremble as he pours the drinks. MAJOR MANDRAKE I suppose they are, sir. GENERAL RIPPER You're damned right they are. MAJOR MANDRAKE How much soda, sir. GENERAL RIPPER Just a squirt. He gives a squirt. MAJOR MANDRAKE That about right? GENERAL RIPPER (accepting drink) Perfect. Thank you, Major. And now let's drink a toast. MAJOR MANDRAKE pours himself a big slug and keeps it straight. MAJOR MANDRAKE (raising his glass) What shall we drink to, sir? GENERAL RIPPER (with the eyes of a zealot) To peace on earth. They touch glasses. MAJOR MANDRAKE General Ripper, can I ask another question? GENERAL RIPPER Ask away, Major. MAJOR MANDRAKE Well, General -- I was wondering, why are you doing this? I mean why do you want to start the war? GENERAL RIPPER I've given it alot of thought, Major. Don't think I haven't. MAJOR MANDRAKE No, sir. I mean I didn't think you hadn't given it a lot of thought. GENERAL RIPPER Do you remember what Clemenceau once said about war? MAJOR MANDRAKE I don't think so, sir. GENERAL RIPPER He said war was too important a matter to be left to Generals. MAJOR MANDRAKE I see. GENERAL RIPPER When he said it, fifty years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to the politicians. Do you follow me, Major? MAJOR MANDRAKE I'm trying to, sir. GENERAL RIPPER You see, Major, at this very moment, while we sit and chat, a decision is being made by the President in the War Room. He knows that the enemy will pick up our planes on their radar in about twenty minutes. MAJOR MANDRAKE But when they do, sir, won't they hit back with everything they've got? GENERAL RIPPER If we haven't taken any further action, they certainly will. Doyyourhappen to remember the statistics on our casualties in the event of a full-scale enemy attack? MAJOR MANDRAKE Well, I think I remember reading the report on that. Wasn't it something like a hundred and sixty million? GENERAL RIPPER That's close enough, Major. MAJOR MANDRAKE But then why do you want to kill a hundred and sixty million of our people, sir? GENERAL RIPPER You're being dense, Major. I certainly don't GENERAL RIPPER (Cont) want to kill so many of our people. And neither does the President. Now look, Major Mandrake. What happens if the President immediately orders our entire missile force to hit enemy airfields, missiles and bases? MAJOR MANDRAKE I suppose we might catch them off their guard. GENERAL RIPPER Our missiles would impact before my planes were even discovered by the enemy, wouldn't they? MAJOR MANDRAKE I guess so. GENERAL RIPPER I know so, Major. I know so. And add to that, the whole Air Command force being committed to clobber everything they've got. MAJOR MANDRAKE But even then, we wouldn't get everything. I mean some missiles would abort, or they'd miss their targets, or maybe the enemy have some secret bases we don't know about. GENERAL RIPPER You're absolutely right. You forgot to mention their nuclear subs. But it wouldn't matter. Sure we wouldn't get off without getting our hair mussed, but we'd prevail. I don't think we'd lose more than fifty million people, tops. MAJOR MANDRAKE (hesitatingly) But if you just let things alone, we wouldn't lose anyone. GENERAL RIPPER Major Mandrake, I guess you don't follow what's going on too closely, do you? MAJOR MANDRAKE Where, sir? GENERAL RIPPER (smiles patronisingly) Where? Everywhere, Major. Everywhere. MAJOR MANDRAKE nods, blankly. GENERAL RIPPER (Cont) Have you read much about the disarmament talks, Major? MAJOR MANDRAKE Well, I know they've been going on for years, and they haven't gotten any place. GENERAL RIPPER Not yet, Major. Not yet. MAJOR MANDRAKE And I guess they won't until they agree to let us inspect ins